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Below are 4 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in Kitharsha's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
10:34 pm
wow.
I was so sick this weekend. Went to the dr. fever..spiked at 101.3..dropped to 100.3 stayed level for a couple of hours.. dropped down insanely according to a peice of shit cvs thermometer..the dr said she wanted me to goto the ER. I missed a day off of work.
Work..work work.. i am looking forward not going to work next week. Where a day is spent FREE away from counting numbers.
I gotta pay bills..gotta do this..and that..and remember to be nice at all times. im thinking of going back to therapy. I am getting neurotic again.

Current Mood: okay
Tuesday, April 29th, 2003
9:45 pm
blech!!
I never seem to remember just how nasty some herb powders taste.
Kava Kava for instance.. Ive sucked it down hundreds of times. Its great, but it can be nasty. you know its doing its job when your belly is full, your mouth is numb and..well everything changes. Its a great alternative to drinking liquor and coffee.
ive been so wired up and stressed out.

Current Mood: exhausted
Monday, April 28th, 2003
9:12 pm
oh shit im stupid!
haahh ever get that feeling? I royally fucked that last entry without spell checking.. sometimes I type so fast that my thoughts are going a mile a minute and tend not to check what I wrote a moment before.
Im so excited about the prospect of going and killing myself!! YAY!
no seriously, I have so many places to see..and things to do. I worry about the job, Will I pass my Probation period? I dont know. I fucked up royally today. I missed a major meeting with my department and the outside people and programs who fund.
My boss didnt say a word ..in fact Im sure that the meeting hinged re: my work. I was clued in by someone who attended.
They knew where I was. I just hope I dont get stung for not attending.
I know my position isnt a easy one to be doing. Hell, everyone knows its not a easy task managing the sheer amount of information I work with. I stress out. and I am vocal. I need to learn to be quiet.
Im anal retentive about it. I'll admit it. I want to please my boss, and those around me with hopping on the task requested, but often times I feel that I dont hit the mark when it comes to my own "job description" Its accomplished by pulling my hair out, crying and extreme exhaustion. I dont know how much longer I can actually do this. I hope that things change. Although I see it moving foward..its not quick enough.
Its amazing to myself of the things I've done, what i am capable of. And then I am amazed at the lack of control I have. personal control of myself. I know why, I am..what I am. I know why abusers abuse, and I know why I abused myself.
Escape-ism at its best. Self-abuse hurts no one. Just you. karma and everything else in your life.
I am so lucky in the fact that I didnt have to deal with the morality bullshit, in which I see many of my friends struggle to grasp.I stand back in awe and honor of others who cross my path, along with the surroundings. for me..they are treasures to look back at with pleasure of the ultimate kind. Joy.

Current Mood: grateful
8:20 pm
wow..memories...2 years later.
Well..its approx. 8:22pm In New York.
leave me be::headbangs::
Sanitarium..just leave me aloneeeee.. just leave me alone..mother fuckkkkkerrr!! .. man i miss seeing them play live.
I so appreciate the musicians who can do what I can not. Im stuck writing and being a manic stressed out, moody drawing artist. Expand I should..right?..lol i do, I have. I also just dont feel like telling to much at the moment.
Wanna talk about someone without mentioning his name. Dont ask if you have no idea. Just read.
I will so miss seeing that handsome mother fucker stomping around stage. 1997 was the 1st time i ran into this guy. Hell..everyone knew who he was in the 1990s. Millions still do. Just something about him I knew that I dug. So fucking different, but the commonalities..still parallel the both of us..which kinda drew me to focus on intentionally crossing his path. To this day..I think either Ja did it. lol!
Ive often said he was a switchy type.bitch from one moment to utter sweetheart. I should know, I recognize those traits in myself.
I know now.. there are reasons for it. Just isnt my business to know all. Just my business to support and give to those who give so much more back to us.
Something just said.. no more. I confered with friends across the country..they feel the same. Waiting for the next album. I am Interested in hearing it. Just knowing he isnt on it.. will be weird.
Its all about the money making venture these days..No matter what anyone in the industry says. Its a bad economy. If you can squeeze a dime.. get blood while your at it.
Even in Detroit.. It struck me as odd. The behaviour.. was not ..on the mark..as one expected. So many things Id love to say because of the beautiful ability he possesses..that I so crave to master in which i can not. therefore..in awe..it becomes appreciation. And all words are kinda lost because they ..have heard it millions of times over. and that..is not what a person wants to hear from anyone else. Although.. if your refering to Ace or any other Cock Rocker, then no matter what you say your scorned with some sarcastic remark....
back to what i was saying..Kinda started back in Kentucky. 16 hours riding down on a whim.in a beat up old station wagon on its last leg.. bald tires.. pelting rain, hail..fog..night..and more night. fucking on thru the night like a pea green soldier..showing up shocking the shit outta the road crew, and other people..they knowing full well we we're from up north. Months before that.. someone was being a "fan" and emailed..asking us to contribute to a birthday present. I thought long and hard about it. I pulled out all the stops. I parted with one of my Bob Marleys. and for fun I even made a gift card, so he didnt have to go out and buy one..he could give it to another person as a gift. To this day I wonder if he got the idea behind that. I was so blasted ..and put so much majick and energy and love into it. Maybe Ill ask him. Probably wont.
Gotta say it..That last night.. I knew ..something was on his mind. It wasnt that he wasnt into being on stage. He always did put his best into it. You know that just from seeing the love he puts into his work. Dedication and pride. Take that from a man when there is no respect and you get a very timid timebomb unwilling to budge from the issues that tangle the conscious mind
I looked back and he was watching my friend with this gleam of satisfaction, I felt like a vouyer..and all of the things id been picking up, it'd been kinda in the back of my mind.
I mentioned to Sam in passing by..it disturbed me so much after a while.. after the show..back at the motel we crashed at..chain smoking..I knew that was the last time Id witness him play with these gentlemen.
About 2 years later.. I saw him with another project.. standing outside..tired, high..smoking up with the biggest fatty..right in public.. with the NYPD standing on the corner. I doubt he even know they were there watching him. He saw us..myself and my friends..said nothing..Just seemed like a totally different person, maybe cause he was high..lol
Funny thing is.. his vibes..were the same as the time i ran into one of his fellow compadres..I know the 2 hang and jam often. But this guy didnt know me from a hole in the wall until i was introduced by one of the label heads..his outer person.suit his innerself perfectly.. a stoned grubby male who was not wanting to be bothered with anyone except his plate below his nose.
I did speak to him after the show. and typical me..I paid a tribute.. sometimes id pick up mushrooms, other times..hash..this time ganja.
and it isnt like he cant afford to get this stuff. Just always thought it was a nice gesture from one person whos traveled the millions of aspects of Ja to another.
on the funny note ..because im kinda wondering..if typing this out is even worth it.. the female .. what a NASTY BITCH!
typical long island JAP attitude, thing is she didnt have a ounce of Jew in her. So fake, her friends as well..trendie models with the dewy skin and deer like arms and legs.. with BUTTERFACE!!!
You'd expect more out of this creature. Then again seeing all the plastic and silicone for close to 20 or more years go by..lol he would go for a earthy crunchy chick. Often ribbing the crap outta a certain red-head ..She's so wanting to jump his bones..and yet for all the looks we all notice him giving her..I got the impression that like everyone else..Im just apart of the job. Only a fan.

Current Mood: tired
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